When I moved to Las Vegas I had next to nothing - just a backpack and a prayer. I wanted so badly to build a life that was healthy, and a life that was a reflection of my own individual dreams.
It was the hardest and the most incredible chapter of my life. I lived in poverty. I had debt, baggage, emotional trauma. I was a shell of the person that most of you reading this will know.
But there,
Down in the trenches,
I also was welcomed to the most beautiful parts of humanity. When I had nothing, it was the other people who had nothing who helped put me back together. There were friends who were barely paying their own bills who let me stay with them. Strangers who selflessly connected me with school and job opportunities. Mentors who spoke from life experience, not from a platform of ego, who donated their time to me simply because they wanted to be supportive.
That year I discovered one the greatest gifts a human being can discover. I discovered purpose.
I had found the power of helping people. And I realized that there was a place in this chaotic world for my over-achieving, over-sensitive, over-analytical personality. I promised myself that no matter what happened to me, for the rest of my years my primary goal would be learning to take care of others like others had taken care of me.
But,
The world is a tricky place. And I am a deeply imperfect human.
I did work hard.
I built the exact life that I thought I wanted.
I got the great job, the Master's degree, the boyfriend, the athletic achievements.
I had it all except for one thing.
When I got to the top I abandoned the purpose that had sustained me and inspired me for almost 4 years. It's easy to detach from the trenches when you're content and comfortable. I started guarding my own selfish wants (more attention from the boyfriend, more money in my bank account, more recognition on the athletic circuit) by renouncing my old goals. I was ashamed to admit to my newfound life the struggle I had gone through in order to get there. When I'm honest with myself, I think I was unwilling to keep leaving my new, comfortable world to go back into those trenches to help others.
“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
Dear reader, I don't know if you believe in God, but I can tell you that something much greater than me made sure I was unable to get away with denying my purpose for very long. As quickly as I lost connection with my purpose, I was just as quickly redirected to where I needed to be. Most recently, that happened by me being knocked on my butt, so that I could take good, hard look at how empty my heart was becoming. It's not a cliche, it's genuine, to say that money and attention only fill the surface parts of your identity.
So now I'm revisiting some of the places where I started. I'm talking with old mentors. I'm taking time to learn information that I previously ignored. And I am NOT ashamed. Sometimes the main character in the story needs to go back to where their journey began in order to reach the resolution.
I was positioned back to where I needed to be, and it reconnected me with my dream. I am uncomfortable now. Much of my life is uncertain because it was derailed again, but I'm okay. I may be struggling, but I'm not a shell of myself. I can end each day knowing that I am a deeply fulfilled individual who knows what drives her and knows in which direction she wants to grow.
I hope you'll keep reading and I hope you'll stay connected. The stories and the messages on here come from real life experiences and have no hidden motives. Everything posted has one simple and heartfelt purpose:
To help people. And I can promise you I won't forget that purpose any more.
Komen