Human beings need connection. Despite our independence-fixated society and the awful, new trend of hyper-independence and callousness equaling strength, at the end of the day human beings are designed to need other humans. Quality of life comes from human connection.
In an effort to grow stronger, healthier, and more satisfying emotional relationships I've spent a lot of hours in therapy and with mentors to try to find out how to connect in the most productive ways. I personally, (although I think many others share this) don't actually do unemotional very well. I am not made for this callousness trend. I DO grieve deeply when I lose loved ones, and I DO admit to myself and society that I need human connection in order to be happy. However, the more therapy sessions I get vulnerable in, the more I realize there's a line when it comes to my own accountability. It is entirely possible to analyze myself too much. And it is entirely possible to take too much accountability. How is that possible? How can someone take TOO much accountability?
Because it takes two to tango,
Because communication is a difficult skill to master,
Because manipulation exists,
Because even if it's not conscious manipulation... fear, insecurity, and ego allow unconscious manipulation to exist.
If the person who you are having interpersonal conflict with is either 1) unaware of their own accountability of 2) aware of their own accountability but not willing to admit it - it leaves YOU left to navigate *all* the pieces of the conflict.
I am gradually realizing through months and months of self work and seeking out advice that while it is a powerful skill to be willing to take accountability and examine my responsibility in conflict, if the other person is not willing to do the same, I have to draw a line.
This is not because of anger, vindictiveness, or an attempt to punish the other person (and I want to make it clear that I will still grieve if I end up having to let go of someone) but I can not build the foundation of an interpersonal relationship if I am the only one working and enduring.
Moreover, if I am in a dynamic where I am always willing to examine my accountability, but the not, it frequently ends with the other party saddling their lack of accountability onto me. That leaves me on my own to drown in the majority of blame and guilt. That is obviously not okay.
So how do you know where that fine line is?
I am still learning this, but my jumping off point is the following:
"If I am making the effort to reflect, evaluate, and question my thoughts and actions, but the other person is not, I most likely need to exit the dynamic."
It is often the person who is constantly questioning, "Did I do the right thing?" who did the right thing. And that totally stinks because the person who is willing to question and examine their beliefs is also the person who is more easily manipulated.
I confess that this blog post is an incomplete idea. I have not finished evaluating this belief yet; nor have I had a solid amount of time to try and test this belief.
But what I can say, is that if you're feeling lost in doubt because you find yourself over-analyzing your own thoughts and actions...
You are NOT making a poor choice.
You are taking accountability.
You are trying to reflect and learn.
And trying to learn is the start of something positive, regardless of the less than positive emotions you are probably feeling right now.
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